God's Love in Loneliness

In the three months of being in Coban, so much has happened. Every day brings something new and it has been an environment of constant learning and experiencing. It has been both such a blessing and burden at times, and navigating through those feelings has been a bit challenging. 

With starting to teach pre-kinder and kinder at AMIIS, I have fallen into a rhythm of fulfilling tasks that need to be done. Teaching kids brings new challenges daily and I push myself to challenge them and teach them in a variety of ways. However the monotony lies within needing to be flexible every day, trying to maintain and utilize my energy reserves, and preparing for the next day. Rest has been difficult to come by, especially when I always feel like there is something that I could be doing: prepping for class, writing my newsletter, cleaning my room, spending time with God, etc. 

Amidst the constant go-go of the Coban mission site, loneliness and homesickness has hit at moments when I feel like I have no one to talk to or when I cannot relate or converse with people here (language barrier has been discouraging at times). I feel like the days usually progress from “I am tired, but these kids are so sweet” to “Today was tiring, I need a nap” to “I wish I had someone to talk to right now”. The loneliness and homesickness hit usually when the day is winding down and I am not in the whirlwind of to-dos and business. The back and forth between feeling loved and feeling alone usually happens within a few hours and that contrast in feeling, regardless of how often, is usually pretty obvious. Feelings like this seem so futile and annoying when I am trying to focus on doing my best here, but they exist nonetheless. Learning to confront them and live with them has been a growing experience, and I am figuring it out as I go. 

In reflecting on these feelings, I realized that God has been showing His love and care for me in ways I never expected. Through the days where I am exhausted from teaching and watching kids, these kids help remind me of God’s love and His presence over everything that I am doing, whether it be difficult or fun. A few weeks ago, the kids became a lot more comfortable with us (the interns). I think we all had the collective experience where the kids started coming up to us more, hugging us, and expressing their attachment to us. In my pre-kinder class, kids started coming up and hugging me while I set up my laptop for the class, which snowballed into many coming up and doing so. The same happened in my AMI Academy class with the kids saying hi to me when I entered the room and some coming over to hug me as well. 

The receiving of physical love was an unknown need being met for me. In considering how I receive love best, physical touch is high on the list, and not being comfortable enough to initiate or expect that from anyone here, even though culturally people hug and kiss cheeks here, resulted in me receiving little. Having the kids express such attachment to me, touched my heart and was proof to me of how God sees us in comparison to Him. In Luke 18:16-17 (NIV), it says “But Jesus called the children to him and said ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Seeing children so unashamedly come up and hug and kiss me and be so excited to see me, put into further perspective who God is. He wants us to come to Him and be excited to see Him, to experience His love, not feel obligated or stuck in giving our devotion to Him. God gave us that choice from the very beginning to either choose Him or not because true love is not demanded or forced onto someone, it is a choice that someone makes daily. 

Realizing this, gave me my answer to combatting the feelings of loneliness and isolation here in Coban. I came to Coban to experience God in a new and different way. Having never done missions or had any expectations for what was to happen, I sought God in everything I was doing when I first arrived. That desire to hear from Him and know His plan for me fell off as I started working more and focusing on getting through each day. Reflecting on why I have been feeling more alone versus seeing God in everything became very clear as I thought about the tasks I was fulfilling but not the spiritual needs I was neglecting. Someone from my prayer team recommended that I just say a simple prayer letting myself and God know that this feeling of loneliness was acknowledged, but that I ultimately wanted God’s presence to fill that hole that nothing else in this world could. 

Knowing that God’s presence is always with me is a shift that must integrate into everything I do. While teaching, I had been focusing on giving the burden of teaching to God and knowing that He was in the classroom, but the kids reminded me that I have a relationship with God that is beyond just relying and trusting in Him. My relationship with God allows me to experience things with Him. We get to lead the kids in worship songs together, teach them new vocabulary words together, just do everything together. Though God has the power to do anything and everything is in His hands, He has invited me to take part in what He is doing. Be His unconditionally loved sidekick in this life on Earth. Therefore, meaning that whatever happens, wherever I am, I can know that God sees me and I can just say to Him, “God, are you seeing what I am seeing right now?” and be able to share those moments with Him.

As Philippians 2:13 says “for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure”, which is a reminder that just as much as God is doing work through me and motivating me to do my best for Him, I am also being blessed with the ability to experience everything He is doing alongside Him.